It has actually been quite awhile since I took an unintended break from drawing and posting any art.
Long before discovering my website was deleted due to payment issues as mentioned in my previous post.
It started with an unexpected diagnosis at the end of 2022 which culminated in a most heartbreaking ending at the end of June of 2024.
There was a whole year of oh noes and what ifs followed by the briefest sigh of relief that the treatment works and then sudden lightning in what seemed like the clearest sky, hurtling towards a most abrupt and unexpected end at 3:31a.m.
I can say for certain that it truly cuts deepest when it happens to someone you love most unconditionally.
It all began with the first heartbreak and dread that came with the official diagnosis.
With that in mind, the overall “casually indifferent” tone of my series “Phats Panels” suddenly became unrelatable to me.
I was emotional. I was not that character that can look at things with those signature, half-closed, unimpressed and yet judgmental eyes.
I couldn’t come up with the sarcastic quips or dry humor to make those cool/corny jokes or slogans for art.
The light, pastel colours that I normally used in my art started looking too glaringly bright and cheerful to me.
And while I didn’t have a fast-paced habit of churning out illustration after illustration on a quick daily basis, I still had a more or less steady routine in publishing my works online…before all of that happened.
And then that motivation was just gone.
I didn’t get that familiar itch to sketch out or even write about a random idea. No sense of urgency to keep updating my instagram. Zilch.
I was preoccupied and that was that.
That thing took over everything, like a shadow that loomed over and encompassed every bit of my daily life.
It hurt just to think about it and it hurt even more when I tried to talk to someone about it. Life continued to go on around me while we tried to deal with everything on top of everything else.
Now, almost a year had gone by since the end. I’m a lot more okay now.
I didn’t go back to making art or doing anything creative right away. I took up other hobbies instead.
Baking desserts and pastries. Playing with air-dry clay.
It was only sometime later that my attention was drawn to what was happening here on this website.
And now here I am feeling that drive again. To want to draw, create, and just make things up. Like it had always been there.
I guess that passion is just such an integral part of me that it can never truly go away no matter what goes on in my life.
It can get muted though, evidently.
But at least now I know that I’m capable of putting it down for a time and picking it up again when I’m ready.
Maybe that writer’s or artist’s block that people often talk about is really just one’s passion telling you to stop and take your time with it. With everything.
Then just when you need it, it comes back like an old friend catching up with you over coffee as you both reminisce over the good and the bad.